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The material in this blog does not reflect official policy or the opinion of any police force but it does however represent my personal opinion on whatever is posted here.
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  • HIATUS
    Thursday, 19 June 2008
    Life's complicated, more than it was before. Work's taking up most of my life, more than it did before.

    I'll be around...the blog will still be here and I might even blog on a very ad-hoc basis but for now thanks for your time.

    Stay safe out there!
    posted by bawpc @ 05:46   9 comments
    Absolute madness...
    Sunday, 1 June 2008
    I couldn't compare it to anything I've ever seen or heard of because I have never seen or heard of anything like it. It's not quite like football, there was definitely a smaller, different kind of violence around. It was more the reckless behaviour from the people out there and the amount of alcohol being consumed that worried me.

    It all started in good spirits but the problem is that the tube can't cope with the numbers that turned out. People don't realise the dangers of an overcrowded station, especially if it's overcrowded with drunk people.

    Ok, I'm pissed off! In fact pissed off is putting it lightly....I'm fucking fuming! Tfl knew this was going to happen and the top brass in the job knew what to expect yet we had the numbers for a normal, ordinary Saturday night. I could hear absolute desperation when my colleagues shouted for assitance as they came face to face with a 200 strong group. I could hear a lot of shouting, barely able to understand what was being said though. I was unable to help, I had my own numbers to deal with and in a minute it might have been me pushing that emergency button.

    I'm in a strange mood today, partly disappointment...a lot of adrenalin still running and certainly exhausted.
    posted by bawpc @ 20:00   3 comments
    Hope...
    Thursday, 22 May 2008
    - "Can I have a copy of that CCTV you downloaded for the police?" he said with a calm, warm voice but I could tell he was holding back the tears.
    - "I'll have to check but I can't see it being a problem, sir" I reply.
    - "I understand if I can't have it just yet but I'd like to eventually be able to." The warmth in his voice is disrupted by what I imagine is the first tear rolling down his face.
    - "Sure, I'll get back to you once it's been cleared" I say.
    - "It's just that, erm, it shows his last minutes as he walks to his car..." and he stops to clear his throat but decides to say nothing else. After the conversation ended I sit there for a minute and can feel my stomach turning upside down, inside out...I might just be sick in a minute.

    I had forgotten about this until my colleague brought it up earlier in the afternoon.
    "Remember the lad that went missing?" he says
    "Yeah, what about him?" I reply, a pitch too high.
    "They found him..."
    I knew they would! A little part of me is feeling very happy and I briefly imagine the relief in the granddad's face, however I can't help but think that this irresponsible kid thought it would be funny to go to a friends place for the weekend without a care in the world. I knew he would be somewhere, probably taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that. Of course he would, he was 22, earned his own money, lived a happy life, why else would he disappear just like that?
    "B, they found him dead in his car. He drove off the road and hit a tree in a ditch on his way home from the station" my colleague says. Suddenly I snap out of my little dream. I hoped this kid would think it funny to go to a friends place for the weekend without a care in the world. I hoped he would be somewhere, maybe taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that. I really hoped he would, he was 22, earned his own money, lived a happy life...that explain why he disappeared just like that.
    It took the police a few days of searching, the last two using the helicopter, to find his car crashed off the road. Was it purely an accident or was there another vehicle involved? Was he a drink driver, talking on his mobile phone or wearing his seatbelt? Did he have insurance, MOT and was his car road worthy? Can we blame it on the weather? The weatherman maybe for not getting it right? A fox or wild animal, a ghost, tiredness, distraction, old tyres, wrong shoes, bad road surface, loud music, poor lighting, his own will...there's a number of things that could have sent him off that road, individually or combined together any of them could have killed him but there's something inside of me that won't let me believe it.

    I hoped he was at a friend's house, maybe taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that, without a care in the world. I just really, really hoped...
    posted by bawpc @ 23:18   2 comments
    Back to life, back to reality...and it's not nice!
    Monday, 19 May 2008
    He was polite, well educated and clever. Probably in his 60s and looked like he didn't have an easy life. Pleasing company and easy to talk to. I caught myself wondering what his life had been like before Friday night. Was he retired with a part time job in the local shops or did he look after his garden most of the time? He said it was the first time he had to call the police and that he was pleased with our efforts. I noticed that he was making small talk, trying to keep himself busy. Was it to stop himself from crying in front of me? His eyes were red, he had cried already. Suddenly I imagined this man sat in the wee hours of the morning, head in hands and tears rolling freely down his face.

    What struck me was the look in his eyes, the anguish of not knowing what had happened. The look of tiredness as well, after all he had been out for the last couple of days searching. Endless searches, phone calls and more searches. He didn't find anything but he felt like he had to try if only to make himself feel better.
    His grandson had not returned home after a night out, his car was nowhere to be found and his phone was dead. By searching he was trying to convince himself that his grandson was still alive and nothing had happened.

    The sight of this man and the pain he was going through made me feel sick. I swallowed hard a couple of times but my eyes were dry and my face showed little emotion. It was the only way to get through this encounter looking professional.

    I wish I hadn't come back...
    posted by bawpc @ 11:43   3 comments
    Still not quite there but I'm here...
    Wednesday, 23 April 2008
    I'm so excited I can barely type... Yikes!

    Ok, so I haven't been here properly for ages and it wasn't all my fault. I've got lots and lots happening at the moment, generally all good stuff too!

    I'll try and put it all down but it may not make much sense, I generally don't anyway!

    ***************************************************************
    I completed my initial training and have been signed off for independent patrol. I was due to start in the eastern area until the training department told us that we'd be going on attachments till the end of our probation. So I now have 5 lots of 13 week attachments in various places like CID, etc. My first one started this week, it's the Outer London posting which means I'll be working somewhere far, far away where there's lots of sheep and cows. Basically it takes me two and a half hours to travel each way, hence the extreme lack of time. I spend 5hrs of my day travelling to and from work, 8 - 10hrs working and the rest is all about sleeping. Sad really...
    The joke about it? I was given a wildlife guide and a safari hat by my housemates...never mind reading the Beat Officer's Companion!

    ***************************************************************

    I'm off home to Brazil in three days time and am extremely excited about that too! I started packing last night and I can barely contain myself...I'll be away for 3 weeks tanning myself up in Rio and enjoying my grandma's cooking!
    Plus I have my friend's wedding to go to...I can't wait!!!

    ***************************************************************

    I'm feeling something that I haven't felt in a long time...the butterflies in your stomach everytime you think of someone. This someone I've known for a couple of years and only now things have started to happen. A few dates later and I think I may be a little smitten! Timing sucks though as I'm going home this weekend and three weeks after I come back he's away for four weeks. But I'm happy, been walking around with a smile on my face since Saturday!

    ***************************************************************

    I moved to my new flat nearly three weeks ago now and am loving it. It's a pretty little place and me a my flatmates are still going strong, nearly 4 years since we first moved together! :-)
    Things have just fallen into place recently and I am now able to find where my things are...yey!
    TUPC - haven't moved east...still very much a south londoner!

    ***************************************************************

    The plus point of being so busy and sometimes a little stressed is that I've lost some weight. I say some but I actually lost over a stone in the last two months and the worrying thing is a) I wasn't even trying to b) I didn't notice it. My tutor has had a quiet word with me to check that I'm ok. Apparently people were asking him about my weight loss. It was only then that I stepped on the scale and noticed how my trousers are falling off me! I can't complain...

    ***************************************************************

    I think that just about sums it up. I'll try and 'show my face' around your blogs and I have a list of new addresses to put on the side bar...I'll get there one day!


    My little darlings, whilst you endure life in the UK (or wherever you may be) I'll be walking around with the Ipanema girls in Rio, sunnying myself up and acquiring the so loved tan lines :-).

    I'm sure I'll get back to you at some point during the next three weeks but in case I don't, cheerio!
    posted by bawpc @ 08:57   2 comments
    Busy, busy days...
    Monday, 14 April 2008
    Dear all, thank you for your messages of support left for me in the last post. Unfortunately I forgot to mention previously that I was due to move. Having now been settled in my new pad for nearly two weeks my internet connection is still due to be sorted out "tomorrow", according to my dearest supplier!

    I'll be back soon...am missing this!

    Take care!
    posted by bawpc @ 17:06   3 comments
    That dreaded knock...
    Saturday, 29 March 2008
    It was 23:31 when my finger reached the bell...a few seconds later I tried once more. It had to be done...there was no way out of this.

    Eventually the door opened.

    Sometime later I found myself in their living room and saying the dreaded words "Unfortunately I have some bad news to give you. I'm afraid there's been a fatal accident in which your daughter was involved." I could hear my voice shaking at every other word that I said and knew that I had to find a way to control myself.
    The worst was yet to come, giving the details that could be given and answering the the questions that could be answered. Eventually I managed to get some sort of control over my emotions and was able to give them the information they requested.
    They were calm and controlled...mum did most of the talking and dad just sat there with a look on his face that I'm still trying to work out. Was it pain? Resentment? Guilt? I will never know...

    We stand up and decide it was time to leave and as we do so the mum says "She has two children, you know? What is gonna happen with them?" Myself and my tutor just stood still in the middle of the hallway, I felt a lump in my throat and noticed that my tutor's shoulders dropped a little. "I'm so very sorry" was the only thing I could come up with, but it seemed to be enough. We left the house and drove the 60 something miles back to London in silence.

    As I get home and close my front door I sit on the floor, in full uniform, and just cry. I cry for the family who just lost a loved one, I cry for the tragic way it happened, I cry for the way they had to be informed, I cry for the loved ones I have lost in the past and I cry for everything else that has upset me in the recent weeks. All of a sudden I have become an emotional mess.

    She was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a thief but she was also a mother of two, 29 years old, to be 30 in a few days, a daughter and sister and most importantly a human being but she was her own worst enemy.

    I have not been properly trained to do this and I wasn't prepared for it but you just take it on the chin and move on...hopefully tonight I'll be able to forget the picture of her on the tracks and of everything else that happened on Thursday night! Hopefully I will be better prepared for when it happens again...because it will, it's just a matter of time!
    posted by bawpc @ 00:33   7 comments
    About Me

    Name: bawpc
    Home: London, United Kingdom
    About Me: I know how to let my hair down, I know when to be responsible, I drink, I party, I understand committment, I dread relationships, I dream and I cry when my dreams don't come true. I'm young, yet grown up, I'm scared yet brave, I'm pretty yet the little ugly duckling, I can love, I know how to hate, I'm passionate, compassionate, impatient, fiery. I share, I talk, I love (again), I like to be on my own, I like companionship. I'm complicated...because I'm only human.
    See my complete profile
    A little bit more
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