WPC In the making

HIATUS

2008-06-19T05:46:00.002+01:00

Life's complicated, more than it was before. Work's taking up most of my life, more than it did before.

I'll be around...the blog will still be here and I might even blog on a very ad-hoc basis but for now thanks for your time.

Stay safe out there!

Absolute madness...

2008-06-01T20:00:00.003+01:00

I couldn't compare it to anything I've ever seen or heard of because I have never seen or heard of anything like it. It's not quite like football, there was definitely a smaller, different kind of violence around. It was more the reckless behaviour from the people out there and the amount of alcohol being consumed that worried me.

It all started in good spirits but the problem is that the tube can't cope with the numbers that turned out. People don't realise the dangers of an overcrowded station, especially if it's overcrowded with drunk people.

Ok, I'm pissed off! In fact pissed off is putting it lightly....I'm fucking fuming! Tfl knew this was going to happen and the top brass in the job knew what to expect yet we had the numbers for a normal, ordinary Saturday night. I could hear absolute desperation when my colleagues shouted for assitance as they came face to face with a 200 strong group. I could hear a lot of shouting, barely able to understand what was being said though. I was unable to help, I had my own numbers to deal with and in a minute it might have been me pushing that emergency button.

I'm in a strange mood today, partly disappointment...a lot of adrenalin still running and certainly exhausted.

Hope...

2008-05-22T23:18:00.002+01:00

- "Can I have a copy of that CCTV you downloaded for the police?" he said with a calm, warm voice but I could tell he was holding back the tears.
- "I'll have to check but I can't see it being a problem, sir" I reply.
- "I understand if I can't have it just yet but I'd like to eventually be able to." The warmth in his voice is disrupted by what I imagine is the first tear rolling down his face.
- "Sure, I'll get back to you once it's been cleared" I say.
- "It's just that, erm, it shows his last minutes as he walks to his car..." and he stops to clear his throat but decides to say nothing else. After the conversation ended I sit there for a minute and can feel my stomach turning upside down, inside out...I might just be sick in a minute.

I had forgotten about this until my colleague brought it up earlier in the afternoon.
"Remember the lad that went missing?" he says
"Yeah, what about him?" I reply, a pitch too high.
"They found him..."
I knew they would! A little part of me is feeling very happy and I briefly imagine the relief in the granddad's face, however I can't help but think that this irresponsible kid thought it would be funny to go to a friends place for the weekend without a care in the world. I knew he would be somewhere, probably taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that. Of course he would, he was 22, earned his own money, lived a happy life, why else would he disappear just like that?
"B, they found him dead in his car. He drove off the road and hit a tree in a ditch on his way home from the station" my colleague says. Suddenly I snap out of my little dream. I hoped this kid would think it funny to go to a friends place for the weekend without a care in the world. I hoped he would be somewhere, maybe taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that. I really hoped he would, he was 22, earned his own money, lived a happy life...that explain why he disappeared just like that.
It took the police a few days of searching, the last two using the helicopter, to find his car crashed off the road. Was it purely an accident or was there another vehicle involved? Was he a drink driver, talking on his mobile phone or wearing his seatbelt? Did he have insurance, MOT and was his car road worthy? Can we blame it on the weather? The weatherman maybe for not getting it right? A fox or wild animal, a ghost, tiredness, distraction, old tyres, wrong shoes, bad road surface, loud music, poor lighting, his own will...there's a number of things that could have sent him off that road, individually or combined together any of them could have killed him but there's something inside of me that won't let me believe it.

I hoped he was at a friend's house, maybe taking drugs, drinking or doing something vaguely thoughtless like that, without a care in the world. I just really, really hoped...

Back to life, back to reality...and it's not nice!

2008-05-19T11:43:00.005+01:00

He was polite, well educated and clever. Probably in his 60s and looked like he didn't have an easy life. Pleasing company and easy to talk to. I caught myself wondering what his life had been like before Friday night. Was he retired with a part time job in the local shops or did he look after his garden most of the time? He said it was the first time he had to call the police and that he was pleased with our efforts. I noticed that he was making small talk, trying to keep himself busy. Was it to stop himself from crying in front of me? His eyes were red, he had cried already. Suddenly I imagined this man sat in the wee hours of the morning, head in hands and tears rolling freely down his face.

What struck me was the look in his eyes, the anguish of not knowing what had happened. The look of tiredness as well, after all he had been out for the last couple of days searching. Endless searches, phone calls and more searches. He didn't find anything but he felt like he had to try if only to make himself feel better.
His grandson had not returned home after a night out, his car was nowhere to be found and his phone was dead. By searching he was trying to convince himself that his grandson was still alive and nothing had happened.

The sight of this man and the pain he was going through made me feel sick. I swallowed hard a couple of times but my eyes were dry and my face showed little emotion. It was the only way to get through this encounter looking professional.

I wish I hadn't come back...

Still not quite there but I'm here...

2008-04-23T08:57:00.002+01:00

I'm so excited I can barely type... Yikes!

Ok, so I haven't been here properly for ages and it wasn't all my fault. I've got lots and lots happening at the moment, generally all good stuff too!

I'll try and put it all down but it may not make much sense, I generally don't anyway!

***************************************************************
I completed my initial training and have been signed off for independent patrol. I was due to start in the eastern area until the training department told us that we'd be going on attachments till the end of our probation. So I now have 5 lots of 13 week attachments in various places like CID, etc. My first one started this week, it's the Outer London posting which means I'll be working somewhere far, far away where there's lots of sheep and cows. Basically it takes me two and a half hours to travel each way, hence the extreme lack of time. I spend 5hrs of my day travelling to and from work, 8 - 10hrs working and the rest is all about sleeping. Sad really...
The joke about it? I was given a wildlife guide and a safari hat by my housemates...never mind reading the Beat Officer's Companion!

***************************************************************

I'm off home to Brazil in three days time and am extremely excited about that too! I started packing last night and I can barely contain myself...I'll be away for 3 weeks tanning myself up in Rio and enjoying my grandma's cooking!
Plus I have my friend's wedding to go to...I can't wait!!!

***************************************************************

I'm feeling something that I haven't felt in a long time...the butterflies in your stomach everytime you think of someone. This someone I've known for a couple of years and only now things have started to happen. A few dates later and I think I may be a little smitten! Timing sucks though as I'm going home this weekend and three weeks after I come back he's away for four weeks. But I'm happy, been walking around with a smile on my face since Saturday!

***************************************************************

I moved to my new flat nearly three weeks ago now and am loving it. It's a pretty little place and me a my flatmates are still going strong, nearly 4 years since we first moved together! :-)
Things have just fallen into place recently and I am now able to find where my things are...yey!
TUPC - haven't moved east...still very much a south londoner!

***************************************************************

The plus point of being so busy and sometimes a little stressed is that I've lost some weight. I say some but I actually lost over a stone in the last two months and the worrying thing is a) I wasn't even trying to b) I didn't notice it. My tutor has had a quiet word with me to check that I'm ok. Apparently people were asking him about my weight loss. It was only then that I stepped on the scale and noticed how my trousers are falling off me! I can't complain...

***************************************************************

I think that just about sums it up. I'll try and 'show my face' around your blogs and I have a list of new addresses to put on the side bar...I'll get there one day!

My little darlings, whilst you endure life in the UK (or wherever you may be) I'll be walking around with the Ipanema girls in Rio, sunnying myself up and acquiring the so loved tan lines :-).

I'm sure I'll get back to you at some point during the next three weeks but in case I don't, cheerio!

Busy, busy days...

2008-04-14T17:06:00.002+01:00

Dear all, thank you for your messages of support left for me in the last post. Unfortunately I forgot to mention previously that I was due to move. Having now been settled in my new pad for nearly two weeks my internet connection is still due to be sorted out "tomorrow", according to my dearest supplier!

I'll be back soon...am missing this!

Take care!

That dreaded knock...

2008-03-29T00:33:00.005Z

It was 23:31 when my finger reached the bell...a few seconds later I tried once more. It had to be done...there was no way out of this.

Eventually the door opened.

Sometime later I found myself in their living room and saying the dreaded words "Unfortunately I have some bad news to give you. I'm afraid there's been a fatal accident in which your daughter was involved." I could hear my voice shaking at every other word that I said and knew that I had to find a way to control myself.
The worst was yet to come, giving the details that could be given and answering the the questions that could be answered. Eventually I managed to get some sort of control over my emotions and was able to give them the information they requested.
They were calm and controlled...mum did most of the talking and dad just sat there with a look on his face that I'm still trying to work out. Was it pain? Resentment? Guilt? I will never know...

We stand up and decide it was time to leave and as we do so the mum says "She has two children, you know? What is gonna happen with them?" Myself and my tutor just stood still in the middle of the hallway, I felt a lump in my throat and noticed that my tutor's shoulders dropped a little. "I'm so very sorry" was the only thing I could come up with, but it seemed to be enough. We left the house and drove the 60 something miles back to London in silence.

As I get home and close my front door I sit on the floor, in full uniform, and just cry. I cry for the family who just lost a loved one, I cry for the tragic way it happened, I cry for the way they had to be informed, I cry for the loved ones I have lost in the past and I cry for everything else that has upset me in the recent weeks. All of a sudden I have become an emotional mess.

She was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a thief but she was also a mother of two, 29 years old, to be 30 in a few days, a daughter and sister and most importantly a human being but she was her own worst enemy.

I have not been properly trained to do this and I wasn't prepared for it but you just take it on the chin and move on...hopefully tonight I'll be able to forget the picture of her on the tracks and of everything else that happened on Thursday night! Hopefully I will be better prepared for when it happens again...because it will, it's just a matter of time!

I'm still around...

2008-03-21T15:26:00.002Z

Just a quick update...

* the power adaptor for my laptop has broken.
* until Dell decides to send me the new one I'm relying on the battery and on my housemates lending me theirs.
* we finished our university training yesterday
* and went to the pub at 3pm, I got home just after 5 this morning...my head hurts.
* I found out where I'm going to be based
* and until our station is up and running I'm working out of the local Met nick...TUPC, watch out!
* I still have one more essay to do
* but I don't care because I'm just happy that it's over.

I'll be back when Dell pulls the finger out :-D, in the meantime stay safe!

2008-03-04T19:25:00.003Z

2 weeks and 2 days of university to go.

I'm not coping well with all the pressures from work and personal life. Not at all.

Maybe it's the pressures from within that I can't cope with. I don't know.

Yikes!!!!!!

2008-02-24T00:13:00.006Z

I'm going home!!!!!! I know I said I had already booked my leave but I just booked my flights home, emailed my best friend and phoned granny and grumpy to let them know that I really am on my way!!!! :-D
Grumpy has not been well for a few months now and I have been having nightmares about not being able to see him again. It's over a year since I went home and saw them and I don't know if I'll get there in time but I bl**dy hope so.

The only sad thing is that I'm only able to go for 3 weeks and although for some people that is a really good long time to go away, for me it's not enough. I get to see my grandparents and friends once a year , if I'm lucky, and 3 weeks is just not long enough but I'll make the most of it!

I really cannot wait to get away for a while. I know I only went away a month or so ago but I need a familiar, homely like place to go to. I've had a couple of horrible weeks at work with sergeants laying into me and making my life hell and since then I have been reconsidering my options. I've had silly thoughts that maybe I'm not right for this job, despite loving it. My confidence level has dropped somewhat (and belive you me it wasn't much better before anyway) and it hasn't been the most pleasureable of times but I really am trying to keep my chin up!

Yikes!!!

Another good thing is that my mum is speaking to me again! It's been a couple of weeks since we had an argument over family business but she phoned me last night to tell me she was going skiing in France and that I wasn't to worry about her if her phone was off. She phoned me again this afternoon to tell me she had arrived safe and sound! Great!

Yikes again!!!!!!

I finish my training in University in four weeks time!!! Yey!! As you can probably tell I'm really looking forward to the end of this part of my 'controlled learning' training and am looking forward to a different environment. To be honest I don't think I'm the only one as everyone has been looking a bit fed up in the last few days. I don't think in any way, shape or form that I'm good enough to be allowed out on my own. I don't think I know eough and although the training is decent I don't think it's as good as it could be. It may be just me lacking in confidence once again but I am absolutely bricking it about the possibility of being allowed out on my own! We'll see what happens!!!

So all in all, apart from all the s***ty stuff everything is great!!!!

P**S: Thank you for the *hugs* you sent me...Still need a proper one though but I know I'll get one from granny when I get there...it ain't long now, just a couple of months away!

P**SS: Lyric of the day:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Nat King Cole - Smile

2008-02-14T15:35:00.002Z

I need a hug. Just one big bear hug. Nothing else. There's nothing sexual about it. I'm not asking for a kiss, an 'I love you' or attention. I just need a hug. Never mind it being Valentine's Day today. I just want a hug. It can be from my mum, dad, my housemates, my tutors, my gym instructor, my neighbours, my friend's friends, your friend's friends or even you!

Something like this would be nice!

God bless my mother...

2008-02-07T20:44:00.000Z

My mum phoned me a couple of days ago and bored me silly talking about how she was making new friends at her gym and how she loved it!
Today I got a text message from her saying "I just had an argument with a giant grumpy man at the gym. I think I made a new enemy! :-("
I replied "I had a scrap with a 17 year old drug dealer in Camden today and I make new enemies every other day! :-D

It was just about the only thing that made me smile today...

Gotta love this job!

P**S: Feeling really sad about going back to University on Monday. It's only for six weeks, I know, but it takes some will power to get through it!

P**SS: Booked my leave for April when I'll be flying home (literally) to 'marry'(I'm bridesmaid of honour) my old housemates and see my granny!

And towards the end of the day...

2008-01-30T19:32:00.000Z

- Stop right there!
The yonger bloke runs away as the older bloke walks towards me. I look at my three colleagues running after the younger bloke and suddenly I have a strongly built bloke walking calmly towards me. I'm alone. He scares me. The calm on his stride and face scares me.
- Keep your hands away from your pockets! I say as calmly as I can, bringing out the first thing I can reach, my spray.
He puts his hands up looking right into my eyes. For a second we stare at each other and I am awfully aware of the fact that I'm in plain clothes, no stab vest or uniform and only my spray for consolation. I won't back down, I won't look away.Suddenly my radio blares, my call sign is shouted followed by the information that the younger male had been detained. I approach the older bloke, pull my cuffs out of the harness and cuff him. I feel a lot more comfortable now and carry on to search him. This normally wouldn't happen, female searching male but in this situation we have no choice. He told me he had a penknife and I find nothing else of importance. He tells me he was walking past when the younger bloke called him over and offered him some 'green'. I don't believe him but he's not known to the police. He's free to go. The younger bloke is taken back to the station for a more thorough search and I search the area where for any evidence that may have been disposed of. I jump a few fences and discover nothing but a broken bench that I hear was done when he was chased. I note down the complete address of where the bench was broken and return to the station to find that it is exactly the same address that he has given my colleagues. They found nothing on him but it's clear he was selling on his door step.

This sums up the last couple of hours of my day and the last couple of weeks have been almost as exciting. I'm loving this job more and more (and I'm not looking forward to going back to university at all) and as sad as it sounds I don't really wanna go home at the end of the day!! People say it will pass and I will eventually get tired of it but until that day comes I will carry on enjoying the moment!

It's getting better...

2008-01-19T00:04:00.000Z

It's not as bad as I initially thought...We had the last input on the subject of the next assignment today, the actual assignment is due in two weeks but it's actually not too bad. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have PDU coming up next week but I actually managed to get home today, after having a sly drink with my colleagues, and done lots of work! So much that I actually finished the essay part of it, so for tomorrow I have to make sure it's all in place and do my supporting evidence and references which shouldn't take me more than 3 hours which should allow me plenty of time to sleep and perhaps a cheeky night out! It also gives me some time to revise my powers and do a bit of bedtime reading of the old Blackstones stuff...jolly good!!!

Things are starting to brighten up now that I have almost no university related work to do. It's this feeling that PDU will be a much more enjoyable experience once I'm able to concentrate fully on it.

On the personal side, well, it may not be going so well. I had this horrible feeling of missing something and realised that I had not spoken to Private A since we had a little argument a month or so ago. I miss him. In fact, I feel like I have missed him for most of the time recently.

I've never told the story between Private A and myself but I'd never consider boring you with that now...

And I carry on...

2008-01-14T19:46:00.000Z

This is always the best week of the course when we're all preparing to go off to the PDU again to hit the streets with bags of new powers we recently learnt we have. My next 3-week stage on the beat starts next Tuesday so this last week is all about doing the last of the knowledge checks and sorting out the two other assignments I have to hand in, making sure that I have nothing class room related to worry about when I'm out there making the world a better place! :-D

In the mean time I spent the last weekend working on another assignment that I handed in today and have a week/weekend full of essay writing booked in my diary. There's no going out, no drinking, no having a good and easy life like I use to...my friends are starting to moan and I can see another three weeks of hell on the home life side of things which made me think that I have to arrange some time to spend with them, after all they're the people who made me who I am!!!

My Monday blues have turned in to a week long case and I'm now feeling a little homesick so I reckon I holiday is in the cards, somewhere warm and familiar, like home!!! I have to be there in May anyway for a friend's wedding (the joy's a of a bridesmaid's dress :-D ) so I'm looking forward to a week off in a very secluded beach, hidden away from the world!

Anyway...

Everyone should try exercising like this:

Blah...

2008-01-07T19:56:00.000Z

I am one big grumpy f**k today! Monday blues, they call it...I call it f***ing Mondays...

Must be post-holiday trauma+new diet+giving up smoking+going back to the gym, all in the same day!

So here we have, another 'God bless Youtube' moment.

***UPDATE***
P**S: I've done my first donation, out of the 12, because on reading this I felt absolutely disgusted at how people treat animals! So the charity of the month is The Redwings Horse Sanctuary!

Think Back. Move Forward. It's time.

2007-12-31T02:31:00.000Z

That message is on the board at The Ground Zero where the Twin Towers once stood. I'm one one for these sort of messages but I somehow found this one very touching and rather sensible. It made me think back to the day when my folks split up and the reasons behind it. It made me think about how difficult I made it for my dad and how I didn't speak with him for over 2 years. I held a grudge against both of my parents for a very long time, too long to tell, and looking back now I can see what a waste of time it was. Life would have been so much easier if I had behaved differently...Anyhow, moving on...what I also found very moving was the display around St Paul's Chapel, opposite The Ground Zero...so moving that I found hard to hold back the tears in there...maybe I was just a little emotional, I don't know. I'm not a religious person at all but I took a moment to light a candle and think about those that gave their lives on that day. Once I had returned to my good old self, after a cup of coffee, I visited the New York City Police Museum and felt like I was at home...There was even a couple of hats that were given to them by our very kind British bobbies...My new profile picture shows the wall where the badges of all NYPD officers killed on duty are displayed, too many of them, unfortunately!
I also went to a little 'Irish' pub called Bravest, named in honour of those killed during 9/11, where I had arranged to meet someone I met in the course of my tours. He's a fireman with lots of experience and stories to tell. He lost two close friends in the attacks...He is a lovely bloke and we shared a midnight dance in the subway station, where a busker was playing The Way You Look Tonight...I don't think I'll ever forget that song now! We're supposed to be going out on New Year's Day...let's see what comes out of it.

Last night I decided to go out to mess about with my camera, after I'd watched Avenue Q (terribly funny!). I had put my love for photography aside, what with everything else that's been happening, and I never got a chance to mess with a new digital SLR that I bought quite a few months back so I thought I'd dust the old passion and go out for a few night shots...Unfortunately it wasn't very productive because it was sleeting and very, very cold (and I couldn't be bothered to live through it) so that was me back to my cosy room!
Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I'm not really looking forward to the crowd that I'll find around Times Sq but seeing as I'm here it feels like I have to see the ball drop! Besides, the it's supposed to be made of Swarovski crystals this year so who knows what I might get :-D!!! So it's gonna be a long, tiring, cold and possibly wet New Year's Eve but at least I get to rock'n'roll at Planet Hollywood for the after party!!!

TUPC, what do you mean just to say hello? Not even a quick drink? I am truly offended now!!!
Make that your New Year resolution...but stick to it!

Finally here...

2007-12-26T02:25:00.000Z

So I have had my first day as a tourist (yesterday won't count, I was too tired)! As it was Christmas day I decided to take it easy and enjoy the day in Central Park. The weather was beautiful and the day couldn' have gone better although I misjudged how big the park is and after about 5 hours of walking I had just about covered three quarters of it. Ok I'm a slow walker and I was doing the touristy thing of taking pictures of every stone and tree but it still took me a long time to cover that much. I walked and walked and walked and then I got lost, phoned my mum in Brazil, my dad in Italy and my housemates in London, had a coffee, fed the ducks and walked and walked and walked till I found one of those bicycle tours place to ride me back to where I started because I was tired. I came back to my hotel with the intention of having a shower and then finding somewhere nice to eat something decent...but I had to settle for some fries from McDonalds as everything else was fully booked, damn Christmas day!
Tomorrow I'm getting my stab proof gloves ready for when I go back on the beat in the new year and I'm going to see Mamma Mia on the Broadway in the evening...other than that I haven't a clue what else I'll do, not that I don't have options...let's just see what tomorrow brings!

P**S: Santa brought me an Itouch for Christmas...damn I must have been good!!! :-D
P**SS: I know the lovely people of England need no more encouragement to call the police (even if it's a case of changing their baby's nappy) but I thought this was really brave of NYPD...I guess it's because they have guns, real guns, so people don't mess with them!
P**SSS: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Yuck...

2007-12-17T17:46:00.000Z

I love the festive season but the morning after the night before is always such a struggle and it gets worse the older I get! It didn't seem this difficult last week :-D
So over the past ten days my bank account has gone down considerably, my friends network expanded, my list of stupidity has doubled and the lining of my stomach is pretty much non existent but gee, I've had a ball! This also means that I learnt a lot more in class, it seems I do better when I'm hangover.

My training has been going surprisingly well too. We have been doing lots of interesting stuff, getting very confused with the Theft Act and having verious arguments about assaults. We've done search warrants and this week we're covering stop and search powers, Sec. 1, 23, 32, 60, etc...Added to that we have our fitness test on Wednesday, which I'm not doing because I've been signed off our PE classes after a little health hiccup a few weeks ago. This means that I will have to do it on my own in about 8 weeks time, when I'll be fit to run again :-(. On the down side of things we've received four assigments back (out of five) and I failed one so I now have two assignments to hand in by the 21st Jan. I'm not very impressed by the marking system and the feedback is appaling but I've just kept my head down. Best thing to do is just to get on with life.

Moving on to better things I just realised that I fly out on Sunday, 6 days away from heaven!!! I've just looked at the news from New York and the north eastern US states and they are covered in snow!!! I am so dreading the cold weather but am getting really excited about it!

So instead of this

I should have gone for something like this

But what the heck :-D

P**S: Just an update, I think I may be in love.

21 for the first time!

2007-12-09T16:54:00.000Z

I've been told that I have to grow up now that I turn 21. 'Ba*ls' and 'don't be ridiculous' are the two things I said when I heard that. I have spent an awful long time thinking about the age thing this week and I thought it would be ideal to come up with a list of 21 things for me to do through my 21st year. So in no particular order, here it goes.

1 - Bungee jump
2 - Travel to at least one off the beaten track location
3 - Learn to play the guitar
4 - Buy my own place
5 - Learn to love DIY (I will need to after I've done number 4)
6 - Spend a weekend by the sea
7 - Improve my fitness
8 - Get a dog (I need to love and be loved, you see.)
9 - Stop bitting my nails
10 - Read more
11 - Complete my police training successfully
12 - Donate £21 to a different charity each month
13 - Be nicer to my parents
14 - Watch the film that won an Oscar the year I was born (Platoon - 1986)
15 - Take up kick boxing
16 - Have more faith in myself
17 - Smile more (apparently I have perfect teeth!)
18 - Go to Glastonbury 2008
19 - Hire a caravan and go camping
20 - Make more friends
21 - Lastly, I'll try to do all of the above but failing that I'll make sure that at least half of it gets done!

After an awful day...

2007-12-03T19:15:00.000Z

...I thank whoever created Youtube!

How do you deal with it?

2007-11-22T20:02:00.000Z

I saw a man die.
I've seen dead people before, I've had several people close to me die and I remember their grey, cold bodies lying in the coffin, I just had never seen someone dying before. He was lying on the floor, paramedics around him giving CPR, oxygen and the lot. His shirt was open, he wore a grey suit that had dirt marks where he had fallen. His shoes looked expensive but I could see from the soles that they were quite worn. He looked young, too young to be having a heart attack, I thought to myself. I wasn't quite sure of what to do and for a brief moment all my training had gone out of the window. I can deal with people running away and being mouthy but what do you do when someone is dying right before your eyes? The paramedics were desperately trying to keep him alive, enough to take him to hospital but then I heard the words, uttered in sheer desperation, that they had lost him. One of the paramedics gave me his wallet and I suddenly felt bad about going through it. Was it because I wasn't in uniform or on duty? Maybe, but it was more to do with the fact that this person had already been deprived of every bit of dignity that he had, he didn't need someone going through his personal belongings but it just had to be done. I regretted opening it almost immediately. There was a picture of him, a woman and a young child. My heart nearly broke and I could feel my eyes watering. Someone had to phone her and I just knew I couldn't do it. It wasn't my job to do it anyway, unless I was with my tutor so I had to phone control. Once I did what I had to do I felt a bit lost...so what now? Having watched this man die while I helplessly stood by do I just carry on like nothing happened? And with that I rang my tutor to tell him I was going to be late and continued to make my way because in all honesty, how else do you deal with it?

It wasn't meant to be...

2007-11-17T23:00:00.000Z

When we said we would make a name for ourselves we didn't quite mean it like that. So when my team came in talking about stopping Jade Goody it sounded good enough but when we turned to page 3 of The Sun the next day only to find a picture, oh boy, that had to go on the board in the mess room...

I think we'll be remembered...

P**S: I was tagged, so here we go...

So here we go...

8 passions in my life

# My close friends
# My granny
# My goddaughter M
# Photography
# My job
# Dogs
# My Ipod
# Private A

8 things to do before I die

# Bungee jump
# Apologise to those I've unwittingly hurt
# Be able to tell my parents I love them and actually mean it
# Forgive more
# Love myself
# Go travelling around South America
# Have faith in myself
# Fall in love

8 things I often say

# "Bless your heart"
# "You alright pet?"
# "Aye"
# "Why do I put myself through this?"
# "F**k" this and "F**k" that
# "Unbe-f**k**g-lievable"
# "I miss you"
# "When are you coming home again?"

8 books I read recently (not all were read recently but the last 8 that I remember)

# Please Daddy, No: A Boy Betrayed by Stuart Howarth
# Up All Night: Adventures in Lesbian Sex
# Blackstone's Student Officer Handbook
# Wasting Police Time by David Copperfield
# Not For the Faint Hearted by John Stevens
# Anybody Out There by Marian Keyes
# Story of O by Pauline Reage
#

8 songs that mean something to me

# Hey there Delilah - Plain White T's
# The World's Greatest - R. Kelly
# The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
# Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Eva Cassidy
# Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk
# Like The Way I Do - Melissa Etheridge
# I'm a Believer - Smash Mouth
# Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

8 qualities I look for in a friend

# Honesty - for I've lived with liars all my life
# Reliability
# Companionship
# The ability to laugh at themselves
# Cheekiness in the right amount
# Confidence
# Happiness
# A sense of humour

A child in uniform...

2007-11-10T20:42:00.000Z

This has got to be the strangest week of my life. I went from being a semi-alcoholic irresponsible ladette/student to becoming a police officer. Putting the uniform on again was a blessing but also very strange. I felt like I was back at the police traning centre with people watching me very closely but this was in a different environment and for different reasons. This is the first stage of the professional development unit which lasts three weeks...after that it's back to university again for some more studenty life, but I don't wanna think about that now.
My tutor is a very keen forty something bloke who's been in the job for some 18 years. He knows his s**t and that's the only way I can describe him. He's a great bloke and thankfully we're getting on like a house in fire and I know I'll learn a lot from him. My partner is also a great bloke who will be based with me at the end of the training so we're really enjoying working together. He's tall, very, very tall...towers over anyone so it's quite comforting going out with him, all 5'6" of me and him :-D. I just know he will stick up for me if I ever need it.
My working week started on Tuesday and I was on lates all week, working from 12pm to 10pm. The first day was all about admin, paperwork and IT which suited me just fine as I was freaking out about going out in the uniform. Wednesday was a different day altogether. We stepped out soon after the beginning of the shift and oh my...I could almost taste fear in my mouth. I had this little cold sweat tickling down the back of my neck and I was feeling very bothered. We went to various locations in and around London. I did a few vehicle checks and one or two section 44 searches. It was nerve wrecking. My mouth was dry and the words just wouldn't come out properly. I wasn't sure I could speak English anymore and my knees felt weak. I also noticed how I suddenly became a walking A-Z/information point/timetable/know it all. Only I didn't have a clue most of the time which people seemed quite happy with. By Thursday I was getting used to the uniform and to being stared at. Although when we left the police station in one big group of about 15 of us walking with purpose towards our final destination we got some funny looks. This was the day when I felt I really did some police work. About half an hour before home time there was an urgent assistance call on the radio for units to attend a location literally two minutes away from us. I had been in the computer room completing some of the paperwork and literally just flew out of the door. I could hear a very loud disturbance over the radio and it sounded like someone was in big trouble at the other end. Without a care in the world I just run, forgetting that I had taken my belt off to go to the toilet and not put it back on. It's funny how adrenaline pumping through your body can help at times. I never run so fast in my life, knowing that every minute mattered. I wasn't far behind my tutor and my skipper who just flew out of the door. We got there within seconds and got into a scrap with the people involved. It didn't take long to sort it out, there was three of them and 15 of us. I was actually glad I didn't have my belt because it made running and rolling around a lot easier, even if less safe. I left the others to deal with the rest once it had calmed down and returned to the station, blood pumping throuhg my body leaving me in a very excited state...I just didn't want the shift to come to an end. Safe to say that it took me a couple of hours to calm down after that and I just had to wake my housemates up when I got in to tell them all about it. Friday was a lot quieter, much to my disappointment, with only the small possibility of me ending up doing cordon duties all night around the scene of a sus death. Thankfully I didn't because by the end of the shift I was ready to go to the pub and then home, straight to bed. It all caught up with me because I went to sleep at 3am and didn't wake up again until 3pm this afternoon...but I feel ready to go again :-D

Check me out...

2007-11-07T09:10:00.000Z

I had my first day on shifts yesterday and having worked 9 - 5 for the past 18 months you can imagine how difficult it was to stay awake! Hopefully today will be easier, except my little legs are very sore. Again, having come from a desk bound job it didn't atke a lot to make my legs ache...So standing on them for long period of hours is enough, hopefully I'll get used to that too!!!

So you can imagine I woke up looking something like this this morning. I don't remember ever noticing how comfortable my bed is until this morning...except for the half of me that was hanging off one side of the bed everything else was spot on...I wish I could have stayed there all day but I have baddies to catch :-D.

Will tell you all about my first day in uniform when I get more time to write...